I haven't included every poem and painting I created in December, but below are some highlights. You can also find my advent creativity here and my Pause and Pray exhibition and advent course here

Upon reflection
Burning candles at both ends
Wasn't sensible

Is my truth historically important
Possibly not
Probably not
Absolutely not
But it is important to me
That I can look back and see
What I've survived
On this rollercoaster of life

Maybe next year
Endings will no longer scare me
Perhaps I will find a steady stillness
Within the alchemy of chaos

The forest is where the trees nestle together
Wondering about the weather
Pondering the future
Worrying about humanity's ending
And how nature will mourn their passing
Will anyone hear their warning?

I long to be beautifully numb
To inhabit lifeless frames
Rather than living in the shadows
Of pain

Ink forges truth through flame and pain

Behold the glory
Of candlelight on dark nights
Offering prayers
For those who are suffering
In the world tonight

Revere soft whispers
Memories on emerald waves
Time held in stillness

My mind is famous
Infamous
Fastidious
At ruining everything
In retrospect
I introspect
I'm constantly over thinking
Over analysing
Reenacting
Absolutely everything I've ever said and done
Sure that I've probably
Definitely
Unbelievably awfully
Got it wrong
Said it wrong
Done it wrong
And not just about yesterday
Or last week
Or last month
But events from twenty years ago
Or more
Yes more!
In the middle of the night I'm remembering
Worrying
Reviewing
Memories of ancient days
Tiny moments
Little comments
They pop up at 3am
I mean how is that good for me
That's why I write poetry
Loose myself in creativity
But then I start to think
Is my brain on the blink
Why can't I remember useful things
But no, it's all "do they hate me?"
And "might they forgive me"
And "I've a horrid personality
Not anything useful like "that's where I left my keys!"
Oh deary me
Is this only me?

Swallowed by the storm of evergreen destruction, we melt in the eyes of greed
Blinded by the blizzard of conspiracy, nature's fury fans the flames of panic
Futilely we tramp at the edges whilst failing wishes turn to ashes in the grate
Cracks in the pavement swallow half-hearted promises where tiny plants cling with desperation
The absence of action mirrors memories of hindsight, perhaps it's too late
Yet we inscribe ironic imagery in the shadows of spring sunshine, rather than act
Nature's faith in us is fading as it approaches the horizon
Writing our eviction notice on the wings of angels

Over time we age
Yet within I feel still young
Reflections distort
Foggy minds must rest
Allowing the peace of time
To clarify truth
Reforming hope
Reworking compassion
Mosaicking peace

My mind is a creative place
An unbelievably busy place
Best depicted as an arts facility
Filled with rooms of creativity
In a side room there is poetry
Where the world is lived surreally
There I don't need to bite my tongue
I can say it as it is for me
To the left there are songs and tunes
Some found in just a single note
Whilst others loop a couple of lines
There's a song for every moment of time
To the right a room of colour explodes
Catching my attention in my minds eye
So many patterns and explosions at once
An endless creative artistic dance
Up above there's a funky rhythm
Gets my fingers tapping
Whilst my feet are beating
Syncopating, creating
Out the back there's a space for rumination
Wondering about the state of the nation
Pondering if I can help the world improve
Full of ideas that I'll never use
In the garden I can hear the birds
See elephants in herds
There I can swim in coral reefs
A great place to get natural relief
There are many more rooms, more spaces and places
All demanding attention with exciting inventions
It might sound exhausting but to me it's sustaining
I'm never bored, I'm constantly creating

In the ashes of health
Blackened wood glittered in grief
Is carved with gilded gifts of hope
Overcoming the allure of darkness
As frost bitten hearts skate on thin ice
Silvered sunlight warms fearful souls
Snowflakes sparkling in moonlight
Encourage a taste of new beginnings

Art Connects
My soul to yours
Life is art
An act of creativity
The art of listening requires practice
Silence your need to respond

When I smile
Seemingly without pain
I reassure you
I'm still in pain
Again

Inclusion
Most days it is just an illusion

Life
The illusion of control
Whilst letting go of expectation

Every year the same
The idea of a birthday is bleak
In anticipation my mind starts to creak
Leak
Shriek
It's not about the number
That is merely a mathematical count
No more meaningful one second to another
It's not about gathering
That can be a pleasure
It's not about the presents or cards or cake
All of that is great
There's something about coming into focus
Being placed in the centre
When that was always a point of denigration
Humiliation
Limitation
There's something about not feeling worthy
Not being good enough
That I'm undeserving
It's really unnerving
As the month approaches
There's a hint of dread
And as the days click by the feelings grow
Imperceptibly
Invisibly
Silently
It's a snowball effect
There's a blizzard inside my head
I want to run away
Get away
Or hide away
With a few days to go
All of a sudden
It comes to an end
As if an avalanche has come in to land
I start feeling calmed
The panic subsides
All the worry is put aside
As rational thought arrives
Each year it gets a bit easier
The cycle a little shorter
The recovery quicker
Because, although age is just a number
It is a reminder
Of a successful journey
Of recovery
And discovery
At being me

Angels whisper powerfully in swirling white mists
Creating agitated storms of desire for peaceÂ
Whilst dictators swirl and twirl ominously
Lighting dangerous plans in oceans of fire
We wait, caught in the monumental tussle
Breathlessly held between hope and fearÂ
Preparing to ride the tide however it flowsÂ
Trusting that good will conquer evil this time

At this time of year everything is magical
As the Christmas lights sparkle
While the snowflakes settle
And drips create icicle
We feel hibernational
So we read something classical
Or watch a play theatrical
Accompanied by the firewood crackle
There's some change happening internal
Is it biological
Perhaps it's physiological
Habitual or generational
We feel a call to become less external
It's time for a quiet sabbatical
Which might be liberational

Sorry caller
I can't come to the phone right now
Or ever
Haven't you heard of email
Or messages
Or carrier pigeons
Please don't ring again

As women it seems we must be
Submissive and always agree
I'm not up for that
I'll come in to bat
If you need help
You can ALWAYS rely on me

At Christmas everything isn't always joyful and bright
Not everyone welcomes the winter madness
Silver bells may not ring on silent nights
There may be more tears and sadness

Nature's breath fills the air
Darkness transforms into light
Sugar plum fairies
Serenade snowy woodlands
Candlelit blessings

In the quiet glow of morning light
I greet this day my heart alight
Fifty years have come and gone
Each one a note in life's long song
Thankful whispers ride the breeze
For surviving days upon my knees
For laughter echoed in student rooms
Where love unfolded like springtime blooms
Another turn around the sun
Some battles lost, some races run
Lessons learned as tears were cried
Faith ignited as doubting died
Every wrinkle a warm embrace
A story etched upon my face
Of joy and sorrow intertwined
Of friendships long and love refined
Through storms I’ve danced and rain I’ve run
Each heartbeat valued beneath the sun
Trusting in time, softly reveals
That with patience every scar will heal
Here I sit on this yearly shore
Grateful for life and longing for more
I'll wheel down paths long, wild and wide
Believing in times where hopes reside
Though fifty speaks of winding ways
It promises adventure in future days
I'll raise a glass to the past now done
Embracing each day, one by one

Enthralled by nature
Winter snow and mistletoe
Waterfalls in mist

Wild moonflowers reach deep through the dark elegance of the earth
Searching for the tailored tears of roots and leaves
For ancient sustenance passed through generations
In an endless cycle of rejuvenation
Unbreakable
Unfathomable
Eternally reliable
Perfection

Stunning shooting stars
Speeding away from your sight
Under arcade lights
Under arcade lights
Drinking with cupid again
Warming frozen hearts
Warming frozen hearts
With tales of Christmases past
Romancing the moon

It's 3am. I'm awake again
Cradling myself gently
Creating a barrier to the cold
I'm clutching my skin warmly
Through the windows I listen
The world is suspiciously silent
Except snow doused in starlight
There's no perceptible movement
Winter has put the world to sleep
Everything snoring lightly
Snow garnishes the present
Wrapping us up perfectly
Snowflakes dance in the air
Each unique just like grains of sand
Excitably they begin to connect
Anticipating the cushion of land
As they melt and combine
Their forms are elevated
Into a new beginning
Perfected. Interrelated
Melting memories of ice
Excitedly whisper wishes in the wind
Creating Christmas nostalgia
For the tales that are about to begin

I can recall vividly the very moment
When my need to be always out and about
Transformed itself, inside out
Into a deep desire to stay at home
Suddenly I was happy to inwardly roam
To be alone
Knowing that loneliness cuts deeper in a crowd
Than when I'm creative on my own
That moment of change was hard won
Through many hours of therapy
When I learned to accept me
Beyond the judgement of society
Or memory
Or past versions of how I thought I should be
Finally knowing that it's ok to live life internally
Slowly
Deeply
Imaginatively
Creatively
Poetically
Prayerfully

In the long night the moon hung so bright
Birdless sky wrapped up in soft white
A sanctuary of snow
Where eerie moments flow
Quiet reverie bathes us in light
Moments of winter take flight
Dancing stars breaking through the night
With whispers so rare
Nature's breath fills the air
The stillness transforms into light

Nostalgia resurrects long forgotten dreams
Keeping kindness alive through glacial grief
Tiny miracles wrapped in cloaks of regret
Seek a fresh source of serendipity
Whilst sanctified snowstorms
Rain ashes of love from heaven

Between the island of longing
And mountains with willows of infatuation
I wander through the breeze quietly whispering
Each sigh an echo of a fleeting sensation
The tides pull me close to shores uncharted
Where dreams weave like tentacles around my tired heart
The peaks stand guard their shadows departed
A contrast between yearning and friends torn apart
In this natural place hope unfurls it's delicate wings
The trees cradling secrets softly unsaid
Under the canopy spring passion clings
In laughter and tears that tread light as thread
Here we linger forever two travellers entwined
Between endless seas and mountains undefined

In the chill of polar nights we hibernate
Barely aware of ringing frozen bells
Darker days linger in quiet debate
Whilst hope resurges and happiness swells
The gift of love warms hearts once frozen
Gentle touches that ignite memory
Stringing lights through shadows of corrosion
Awakening souls in shared symphony
Winter sings cold hearted songs to hear
As we cling to spark of light in the gloom
Each dawn a beacon driving away fear
As starry nights beam solace into the room
Every fleeting moment a gift of grace
Love dances through time blessing this space

Perhaps this is the year I stop pretending everything is ok
When I pull aside the shutters of my life
To reveal the stacks of grief neatly arranged
Fastidiously filed
Ready to explode in the face of anyone who takes a peak
These tombs without labels beckon me in the silence of night
Promising warmth and light in memories forgotten
Yet only coldness lives inside these coffins
Waiting patiently to vacuum positivity
Leaving only the shell of me
Paddling in the tears of painful years

If you look long enough
Deep enough
You can see heaven
In almost anyone
In kindness for strangers
Or worrying about dangers
In helping the homeless
Or speaking up for the voiceless
In listening to children
Or thanking the generous
It's in the simplest humanity
That we bloom eternally
Connection doesn't need to be perfection
It's the love in every action

In this world I do not need to be anything
And neither do you
Or anyone else
We don't need to earn our right to take up space
We don't need to conquer troubles or win a race
We can let go of expectations put upon us
And allow ourselves to grieve any loss
No matter what messages we hear or see
Everyone is worth their place in society
Consumerism isn't the only way
Loving each other
Creates much better days
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