Praying Endlessly

Praying Endlessly Please God are you hearing me Care for my baby



.. This painting took my breath away when this appeared. It took me right back to the endless nights praying that this pregnancy wouldn't see me failing again, wouldn't see my baby dieing again, wouldn't leave me broken again. Four pregnancies, four boys, four heartbreak. But also one incredibly stressful pregnancy with Rachel where every day seemed to take a week and every medical check was torture and every single prayer was focused on her. I never felt excited, never knew the joy, never felt ecstatic; not for more than a moment and then I'd be terrified again, of what fate I might be tempting, of what mistake I might be making. Not until the minute I held her did I relax, filled with the joy and love, years of hoping came to fruition. But here's the thing - all those years of fear and heartbreak didn't just go away as I thought they would, they stayed with me into motherhood. Until at last I really faced them and could heal from the years of emotional overload. And the grief never leaves, it just finds its place within the tapestry of life to appear now and then with tears and sobs because that's the love that most think never was but always will be. .. I didn't expect that to pour out but there you go. Sending love to those who know this pain and hoping this provides insight to those who don't but are bound to know someone who does.

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